Extreme Unction

I am so screwed.
If I died right now, I’d be
going straight to hell in the
express lane. I’ve sinned so much
I’m having a little trouble
keeping track.

I committed nine mortal sins just
writing this poem and another
two reading it to you now.
Sacrilege, blasphemy, voluntary
doubt of faith, presumption, despair
in hope, incredulity, heresy,
apostasy, schism, adulation and
scandal.

Just by listening to me, you’re joining
in, so we may need a commuter bus
in that express lane.

I haven’t been to Mass since I was
fifteen years old, so that’s nearly
1200 counts of deliberate failure
of the Sunday obligation.

I cast spells and pray to trees
so we need to add idolatry,
divination, magic and
sorcery to the list.

I like to eat and I like to
fuck, which covers
gluttony and lust and sometimes
I combine the two by swallowing
which is the sin of impurity against
nature. This grave sin offends not only
God, but also men, though I
have to say I really haven’t
noticed men being offended
by the swallowing.

Masturbation is another way
I’ve fucked myself over and over
in the sin department and describing
the slippery details of my sex life
constitutes the sin of pornography.

And I have another knotty little sin
tangle I can’t quite sort out. I slept
with a porn photographer and a rock star,
which should be fornication, except
that I’m not legally divorced
yet, so it’s adultery. Divorce itself
is a sin, so when the papers come through
it’ll be a two for one deal trading adultery
for divorce and fornication. But I didn’t
get married in the Church and my
husband was never Catholic, so maybe
it’s been fornication all along.
Lots and lots of fornication.

I don’t think my knees are strong
enough for the amount of prayer
required to get me out of this mess
and kneeling just reminds me of
some of my favorite sins of impurity
against nature anyway.

Yum.

2006

Thoughts and Comments

I performed this in the final round at the March 2007 Eugene Poetry Slam.